By Clare Mann
New relationships start with so much promise that, in the early days, it's tough to visualize that two weeks or months down the line, there'll be such misunderstanding that the relationship looks as if it's destined for the rocks. Nonetheless this is the tale of so many relationships that begin on a great footing but reach a road block that leaves each person standing at the crossroads wondering whether they are destined for one another or are best to go in different directions.The fact is that headiness of the early days of any relationship has a cutoff point on them and if you can weather the changes, it can change for good. But it involves raised levels of communication. With yourself to grasp the strong emotions that usually go with these challenges, and with the other person who themselves comes with their own story of what to expect.
Disputes or fights usually arise due to differences in values, beliefs and expectancies. When a couple meet and start the dating process, the mood is light, exciting and full of probabilities of where this might go. Nevertheless any challenge to the tale we unavoidably begin to tell ourselves about the other person and what relations should be like, causes doubts and fears. Here's where a high level of self-awareness becomes useful. Thus the saying "To truly get to know yourself, you must know yourself first"
Do you bail out out at the earliest sign that the other person's behaviour is unacceptable and tell yourself that it is surely an indicator that all isn't well? Or do you ask yourself and the other person some questions which might throw more light on what the other individual is all about?
When feelings are high, it is commonly tough to marshal your thoughts and communicate them obviously to the other person. One thing for sure If your or the other person's reaction to something appears to be way out of all proportion to the threat posed, this is virtually actually a reaction to something aside from the presenting problem. The presenting problem has pushed a button that causes associated fears, anxieties and storytelling that accompanied the primary experience.
But what do you do now when caught in the grip of a call of whether the argument is a hint that this is not the relationship for you or whether this is simply a familiar path you have travelled before and it's time to damage the pattern? The answer I give all my clients is that to have great relations you must have a fulfilling relationship with yourself first. The real work needs to be done within yourself. So time spent understanding your reactions and convictions about the fight and relations generally is the best investment you can make for this relationship or any other one. Jot down your expectations and sentiments about relationships and how this person or the situation influences how you view what is happening. For instance, if somebody has an experience of people cheating on them before, it's all too easy for them to make this presumption at the tiniest indication of the other person being untrustworthy.
Regardless of what your story, it's your job to make meaning of what has happened to you now and the way in which the past is influencing your present. Only then are you able to start to make a few changes to smash your link with the pain of the past and learn effective communication skills to navigate new relations. Without the veil of undoubted assumptions, perceptions and stories that are often not related to the person standing in front of you. You will of course may require some coaching or counseling help to do that but it will be the best investment you made the quality of your communication at once matches the standard of all your personal interactions.
Disputes or fights usually arise due to differences in values, beliefs and expectancies. When a couple meet and start the dating process, the mood is light, exciting and full of probabilities of where this might go. Nevertheless any challenge to the tale we unavoidably begin to tell ourselves about the other person and what relations should be like, causes doubts and fears. Here's where a high level of self-awareness becomes useful. Thus the saying "To truly get to know yourself, you must know yourself first"
Do you bail out out at the earliest sign that the other person's behaviour is unacceptable and tell yourself that it is surely an indicator that all isn't well? Or do you ask yourself and the other person some questions which might throw more light on what the other individual is all about?
When feelings are high, it is commonly tough to marshal your thoughts and communicate them obviously to the other person. One thing for sure If your or the other person's reaction to something appears to be way out of all proportion to the threat posed, this is virtually actually a reaction to something aside from the presenting problem. The presenting problem has pushed a button that causes associated fears, anxieties and storytelling that accompanied the primary experience.
But what do you do now when caught in the grip of a call of whether the argument is a hint that this is not the relationship for you or whether this is simply a familiar path you have travelled before and it's time to damage the pattern? The answer I give all my clients is that to have great relations you must have a fulfilling relationship with yourself first. The real work needs to be done within yourself. So time spent understanding your reactions and convictions about the fight and relations generally is the best investment you can make for this relationship or any other one. Jot down your expectations and sentiments about relationships and how this person or the situation influences how you view what is happening. For instance, if somebody has an experience of people cheating on them before, it's all too easy for them to make this presumption at the tiniest indication of the other person being untrustworthy.
Regardless of what your story, it's your job to make meaning of what has happened to you now and the way in which the past is influencing your present. Only then are you able to start to make a few changes to smash your link with the pain of the past and learn effective communication skills to navigate new relations. Without the veil of undoubted assumptions, perceptions and stories that are often not related to the person standing in front of you. You will of course may require some coaching or counseling help to do that but it will be the best investment you made the quality of your communication at once matches the standard of all your personal interactions.
About the Author:
Clare Mann is a best selling author and has just released Communicate: How To Say What Needs To Be Said, When It Needs To Be Said, In The Way It Needs To Be Said. For free video tips on improving your communication skills visit http://communicate31.com/7tips
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